Cherish

I am so thankful that we have Paige. She is so amazing & beautiful & fun & smart! And, I could just go on and on! I don't know what parents do when they don't have a first child and lose their baby. Paige is the reason we get up every morning, and smile and move every day. We can't just stop. She keeps us going, and she is a great reason to live.

But, what makes me mad is that I already knew that.

I didn't need to lose Tucker to cherish Paige. I already loved her so much, even to the point that I wondered if I could love this 2nd baby as much as I loved her. (Which definitely makes me feel a tad guilty now, even though, after just seeing Tucker for a few hours, I already love him as much, just in a different way than Paige, just like everyone said I would, and I knew it was true then...) I wanted Paige to have a sibling. I knew she'd be a great big sister!

So, that is what I get the most angry about. I already cherished Paige. She's my daughter. I soaked up every single moment when she would throw her arms around my neck, or tell me she loves me, or call me a "pretty princess", or sing along with me in the car or with her lullabies at night. I soaked in every single second with her, and soaked in every funny & adorable thing she did, and I did not take her for granted. Basically, because I know she's a girl, and that some day she'll be 14 and tell me that she hates me. I wanted to remember every single lovey-dovey moment with my Paige so that when she got that pre-teen and teenage girl attitude, I would remember that she did love me. I didn't need to lose my baby to learn to love those around me.

I tell everyone I talk to that I love them, every time I talk to them. I say "I love you" in every e-mail and every phone conversation. I don't take the people in my life for granted. Everyone who I love, knows that I love them.

Paige

While I was pregnant with Tucker, Paige would constantly talk about "Baby Brother" or "Baby Tucker", and would always look at and kiss my belly, and would also show off her belly!

She hasn't mentioned any of this ONCE since I went to the hospital. She has all of a sudden "forgotten" that there was ever a baby brother. It's so strange. It's really like she knows. In her own two year old way.

She sees my c-section wound, and knows that my tummy has a boo-boo, and that I have a big band-aid. The first time that I had the strength to put her to bed after coming home from the hospital, we were lying in her bed, singing our usual songs, and she interrupted with "Are you happy, Mommy?", "Do you hurt, Mommy?", "Do you feel better, Mommy?" Of course, I told her that I felt better, and that I was happy, and that she makes me happy.

I just can't get over how weird it is, and even "super natural" that she has not mentioned her Baby Brother or Baby Tucker again. It's like she knows he's gone.

But, oh, how I want her to have a sibling. I just don't think I can go through this again.

I am so freakin' thankful to have Paige!!! She was a MIRACLE! I had a placental abruption during labor with her, and the chances of surviving that are very slim. We both could have died. Or, Eric and I could have easily left the hospital without Paige and taken her home in an urn like we did with Tucker. But, we didn't. She is a miracle. She survived!

I always said that the best sound that I ever heard was Paige crying when they delivered her...... until I heard her laugh.

But, now that I know how precious that cry was -- it is still the best sound that I have ever heard.

We lost our Baby

I was 35 weeks pregnant with our second child, a son.

Tucker Jack Gilleland was born still (but still born) on August 31, 2009 at 5:04 p.m., weighing 4 lbs & 3 oz, and was 17.3 inches long.

I miss him.

We want him.

We love him.